The Myth of Lost Love
Why we choose the people we choose and keep getting the same results. lol.
I wish I had found this years ago - it actually might have shed a light on my very unfortunate choices in attraction and partners in this life.
The psychological idea of the myth of lost love is that we're attracted to partners that hold the patterns and energy of how our parents first wounded us in love when we were children.
Our parents mirror to us our first experiences in any kind of relationship. Our parents mirror to us our relationship with G-d, they mirror to us our relationships with romantic partners, they mirror to us our relationships with abundance and worth and value.
“Our parents really are the first mirror to our life when we’re children - yearning for wholeness healing.”
The idea is that our soul is looking outside ourselves for healing. We are attracted to a partner who holds the same energy as our father or our mother - the same pattern of childhood wounding in love. Our souls are looking for wholeness and the hope is that by partnering with this person they will heal the original love wound we received from our parents.
If you love me, my original wound will be healed. Aww.
The relationship with that person will take on all the baggage of the child's wound. The hope is that a relationship with this partner will suddenly result in completeness and we will be healed as a result of being with them. We will be healed with this person - through their love and acceptance. In contrast to our parents who rejected us or wounded us.
The person who is like our parents will in fact love us and accept us and heal all our soul wounds.
As I'm saying this I know how ridiculous it sounds but, my god how many of us do this again and again and again when we're not aware of it?
Yes, that is side eye.
I see you wounded heart. WTF are you doing?
I totally did this.
I saw this and the whole reason it resonated with me so completely, is because someone showed up in my life very recently that I was just so attracted to - even though he's **not a good guy**. He is super not a good guy and I have a wonderful wonderful guy - a beautiful, heartfelt guy.
Don't get me wrong, Keith knows all about this. This is not news to him. He probably doesn't know that I'm going public with it and he's probably not going to be so happy about that BUT - He is who he is and he loves me for who I am.
So really - this guy recently showed up in my life and he, like my ex-fiance, has all have characteristics of my father.
They all have these horrible characteristics of my father.
It's all about my Dad. Ew.
There's addiction - they're all functioning addicts.
There's aloofness.
Angry, mercurial, explosive and a little bit scary.
Very handsome, dark and attractive and mysterious.
Watchful and observant.
Intelligent.
Intelligent to the point of cunning.
Fox-like cunning... Snake-like cunning, actually.
Narcissistic.
Manipulative, withholding and reactionary.
Withdrawl of affection.
Withdrawal of affection.
Withdrawal of affection as a punishment.
Sensitive to slight.
UBER sensitive to slight, even imagined slight - sees slight where no slight is intended.
Excessive pride and ego.
Inability to bend.
Inability to be flexible in any way.
Completely rigid sense of morality.
Inability to be vulnerable.
Inability to be wrong.
Unable to express emotions... except through sex.
Mocking and dismissive to ideas, beliefs and perceptions other than their own.
Fears emotional needs.
Fears being manipulated and controlled by emotional needs.
Deeply desires connection but cannot ask for needs to be met.
Angry that people in their life do not respond to their needs automatically.
Angry that they need to voice needs.
Desires to be loved unconditionally but cannot give unconditional love.
Doesn't see women as full equals.
Lives in highly divided gender roles.
Does not extend same rights and freedoms to women that he does to men.
Madonna/Whore polarity happening where you're either pure and chaste or you're a whore.
Rejects and actually resents female sexual agency.
Alternately respects and resents strong minded and strong willed women.
Cannot tolerate questions or critiques about themselves or their actions or their beliefs. It's OK to speak truth about everyone else but no one is allowed to be to speak truth about them.
This was my dad.
Some or all of these characteristics could be found in my ex fiance, my partners, and this friend from the past who recently showed up. It was all very interesting to learn about this and to learn about what was actually happening.
I don't know what kind of angel was watching over me when I met Keith because he has none of these things.
Well... a little bit, but way less egregious. I must have been on a good vibe when I met Keith and decided "I'll try this nice guy for once.'
The Gift in the Myth
Another important aspect of the myth of lost love is that those aspects of our self - those gifts and capabilities and personality traits that were rejected by our parents, are the exact gifts and passions and pursuits that we came here to develop and bring to fruition in the world.
“The gifts and skills on which we should focus are almost always those exact things we are most afraid of doing.”
What was rejected?
What was rejected by my father?
What was rejected by other these men?
Truth telling. Confidence. Belief in Self - even when in opposition to them.
NOT being pleasing.
Truth telling especially when it comes To. Them. Its great to speak the truth about others especially when they are agree with your truth telling. It's hard to speak our truth - especially to those in power. Truth telling to those in authority is a different thing.
Truth telling to those who have the power to hurt you as a result of your truth telling is scary indeed.
I have, for most of my life, feared the results of telling the truth. I still do it to a degree but there is a lot that I keep to myself that I don't speak about, that I don't say - because I'm afraid of what I'm going to lose.
What will be taken from me as punishment?
What will I lose for speaking my truth?
Which makes this whole "adventure" so much more important to me and interesting - because this format, this whole entire endeavour is to give me a platform to speak my truth.
To express myself.
To express my Truth as well and as clearly as I can - regardless of how anyone responds to it.
(It’s kind of funny to me how often I see come back around to this need in my life - unapologetic sharing of uncomfortable truths. This is the onion I’m peeling.)
I've been afraid to express who really I am. I've been afraid to express who I am without filters and without "being nice" because I've been afraid it makes me unlovable or that I will be rejected by those I love for doing so.
And I have been.
I have already been rejected for speaking the truth - repeatedly. By family, by friends, by those that I make uncomfortable.
That's part of what **I** have to get over. What I have to do here in order to fulfill my purpose, to fulfill my passion for this time around the earth.
This is right here, is what I need to be doing.
Exactly this.
And it's not just my truth to express - it's expressing all parts of myself; the ugly parts, the angry parts, the loving parts, the complacent parts, the lazy parts, the strong parts - all the parts both positive and negative.
This is one of the reasons I'm so grateful to Keith because he sees me for who I am.
He sees me for who I am, completely. There's no need to be different. There's no need for me to be something other than I am for him to love me and accept me, and that is beautiful.
Freedom & Sovereignty
So there is also a sense of freedom and sovereignty and agency that comes with this truth.
This process is to uncover and finally OWN that I belong to myself alone.
That I don't belong to my father.
I don't belong to my partner.
I don't belong to my government or my country.
I belong only to me and there's a sense of agency and sovereignty about that - that I get to decide what happens, regardless of your reaction or punishment anyone would like to to place upon me.
It's something I think a lot of women don't have - is the freedom to feel like their lives are their own to live on their own terms for themselves.
That's something that I decided early on. My choice to not have children is based almost entirely in the desire to have a life that is my own where I decide what happens. I live it for me I'm not living my life for anyone else. I'm not living to take care of anyone else. I'm living it for me. Some may consider that selfish.
It might be, and I don't care.
I don't care.
Welcome to my Adventures in Truth Telling.
Lord of the Flies scared the shit out of me.
It was terrible, and relatable. I experienced elementary school as a terrifying and unruly place. The bullying and harassment on school grounds was an awful experience... and I still don't trust any of those kids to this day.
A lot of the stuff we get upset over isn't true and we can't ever know for sure that it's true. Our believing it is true is what disturbs our peace, so to regain peace, we fall back on what we know for sure is true.